The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work

As a general book-junkie and frequent reader of topics on health, psychology, fitness, relationships, business, philosophy, cognitive science, and occasionally even a good old novel....I can say without the slightest hesitation that this book is a gigantic stand out from the regular sludge of self-help / advice lit out there. The book really does a terrific job of fulfilling its own promises to the reader. There is useful takeaway here. I’m very surprised at how much. Terry expertly balances some theory (more accurately I should say thought-models) with practice, anticipates and addresses the likely challenges and objections, provides genuinely interesting and realistic vignettes for each sub section, and left me feeling as though I had truly learned something utterly new: how is it that we can affect the course of our love-relationships unilaterally, how you can initiate a change by understanding how you are perpetuating the problems that plague your relationship. He does not preach, he even ends the book with a realistic assessment of when its time to split, but you’ll actually know if you’ve really done all that is humanly possible or not. The pain of doubt as to whose to blame for what, whether to endure or depart, how to diffuse conflict, etc etc etc...all so very well described. By the way, I’ll probably offend someone in saying this last point but I don’t care, it needs being said; most relationship salvaging books are written in a feminine mode, usually by woman or by men who seem to me very much lacking in masculinity....not so here. Guys, this one’s for us. The writing is assertive, incisive, yes - emotionally open, but in a good way that never alienated me (I’m a 56 year old Jersey dude who loves rock and roll and all that goes with it) and still I say this. Hope you liked my review. Thanks to APC for referring this book to me. Thanks Terry. Write another one soon.

This author is an integrator. By that I mean he is not hooked on one approach to helping relationships; he combines several approaches to create one that is comprehensive. As a relationship counselor, I have recommended this book to many clients with excellent results. Reading this book stimulates people to consider the influence of their childhood and their parents' marriage. It also helps men reconsider the messages they have received throughout their lives about what it means to be a man, especially insofar as these messages make it harder to get close to a partner. And while grounded in a feminist perspective, the author challenges and updates feminism for today's relationship challenges. But the books doesn't come off as academic or sociological; on the contrary, while articulating a context for contemporary marriages, it also offers plentiful and practical techniques for getting closer to one's partner and working through differences. This is the best book on close relationships I have found. And while it is written in heterosexual language, much of it is also applicable to gay and/or lesbian couples. I recommend this book without reservation to anyone who wants not just to stay married, but to get closer to one's partner or spouse.

If you are serious about your relationship, and both interested in learning your limitations, this is an exceptional resource. The author describes the difference between men (who retreat into their caves to avoid intimacy and work on problems) and women (who retreat into anger to avoid problems and end up limiting initimacy). Becoming self aware is an essential aspect of operating in the world, if we are willing to be honest about our behaviors we can become more functional. I also listened to the Audio version of the book and it was much more informative to hear the examples and conversations in this format. Having a tendency to drift when I read such examples, hearing them was better. The behaviors identified, practices provided, and exercises are well worth the effort. We don't expect ourselves to be trained in our occupations, why is it we expect that we will be perfectly skilled to succeed in relationship? It takes learning, and enough esteem to realize we don't know everything about making it work. This is a great start to intimate health.

Interesting and helpful. This book was recommended by my son's therapist. It offers practical advice that makes sense.

Disclaimer: I prefer therapy that explores family of origin issues and how they shape how we relate to other people as we become adults. I cannot explain how much this book has helped me in my personal relationship with not only my partner, but even with my parents. I have found the advice in this book to be easy to follow, even if my partner won't follow them with me. Which is another piece of advice in the book. The real stories that are presented in the book also help make the material easier to relate to - even though no exact situation matched mine, it was easy to take bits and pieces from each. I originally purchased this book for Kindle and paid for the Whisper-Sync for Audible. I would highly recommend getting the book and the audio version. It's nice to reinforce the material in the car or on a walk. I have recommended this book to many friends and family members who are struggling in their relationships. I wouldn't hesitate to recommend it to a perfect stranger - which I suppose I am doing right now!

Very good

Terrence Real ist das Beste, das ich seit langem gelesen habe. Er sieht Verhaltensweisen und Muster und beschreibt sie sensationell gut und liebevoll. Für mich ist englisch eine Fremdsprache. Da dieses Buch nicht auf Deutsch vorliegt, lese ich es auf englisch und übersetze die fehlenden Wörter. Und dies nur für dieses Buch. U.a. folgende mit seinem feinen Humor gewürzte Aussage ist das Lesen mehr als wert: Wir wissen, dass wir niemanden mit einer Pistole an der Stirn zu einem liebevollen Verhalten zwingen können. Das hält uns jedoch nicht davon ab, es dennoch zu versuchen. Ich wünsche mir noch viele Bücher von Terrence Real.

There are many excellent ideas in " The new rules of marriage ". I would have given it the title, " How to fine tune your relationship ". Reading this book could make the difference between a successful marriage and a divorce. Should be read by every teenager and kept on their shelf rather than getting read after everything has gone pear shaped. There are one or two ideas in the book that I don't get. I especially like the overview p 290-295 eg Winning Strategies : 1, Shifting from complaint to request 1a, " Move from negative / past to positive / future focus." It's too easy to focus on the angry words said in the past instead of focusing on the good times ahead and all the wonderful experiences in travel, music, film, books, sports, art which can be enjoyed together & talked about . 1b " Make requests specific, behavioral and reasonable " Maybe that should be, " Make requests achievable, doable " but maybe if they aren't the reply needs to be like " I would like to make you happy, i just don't think i can do that " I've also just bought Anger Busting 101 by Newton Hightower which agrees in part and appears to disagree in part with Terrence Real about communication. Newton recommends that the winning phrases for daily use by men in marriage is, " you are beautiful, you are wonderful dear, I love you even when you are angry, I am so lucky to be with you " However winning strategy 4 Empowering each other 4b,Ask what you might do to help the responder deliver

The author explains his point of view very clearly. A must read for any married couple. Very helpful.

What a find! Read it in two day and am immediately reading it again to start the process of action. It would have been even better if I had discovered it 30 months ago! I have it today and I am going to use it today. This is exactly what I have been looking for. The answer! It gives clear guidance on a better way to communicate with any fellow human being, married or not, but especially if married. Terry Real has another book titled 'I don't want to talk about it' which explains male depression in the most helpful, down to earth, understandable ways that is a real eye-opener and another highly recommended read.