The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He's Lost Desire

I tried all the techniques but as my husband refused to get help, change, or do anything for me he blindsided me wanting a divorce. He said he lost attraction for me years ago which explained his inability to even hold my hand. I had a major illness and that louse confessed he wanted to leave me in the middle of it. He refused therapy or anything therapeutic that could bring us together. I tried to be the perfect wife to no avail. His erectile dysfunction, midlife crisis, narcissism consumed him and destroyed me. He walked out and has had zero remorse. It's as though an alien abducted him. I suffered for years with low self esteem because my husband rejected me every single day. Now that I am away from him I feel beautiful, and am getting my confidence back.I was disappointed the author devoted just one paragraph to divorce/separation. I think a whole chapter should have been written for the women who should leave these selfish self-centered men. Women: do NOT waste your time with a man who won't do anything and everything to make sex an important part of the marriage. You are worth much more. It is abusive to withhold love and affection. I find it awful and degrading all of the work is expected from the wife for remedying this. What my husband put me through was abuse but oh so subtle. Recognize it for what it is and stop appeasing these men. They are cruel and what they are doing to their wives is inhumane.

Weiner Davis' book was a tremendous starting point for me in a rarely addressed marital problem. In 2009 when I read this book I had been married 3 years to man who came from a very strict religious background. Unfortunately his upbringing caused a lot of problems in our marriage, in the way he treated me, and in how sexuality fit into our lives. Initially I had refused to address to questions like "what if he's having an affair?" and "what if he's gay?" thinking that could not possibly happen to me. We ruled out all of the usual causes for low libido, and eventually the truth came out. Internet history showed that my husband had been frequenting casual sex sites. When confronted he confessed that he had been having affairs since the start of our marriage, that he was sexually interested in men, and that he didn't think it was possible to have a "normal relationship." Ultimately we divorced, it's been a few years and my life is much better now. If you're having this issue and it's not depression/medication/low-T don't rule out taking a careful and painful look into what he might be up to that you don't know about.

Finally, a book addressing a problem many wives encounter but many husbands would deny even exists! Enough of hearing on television and radio the popularly held myths that "Most men want sex all the time. Low sexual desire is only a woman's problem. Some men lack sexual desire, but the prevalence of low desire in men is extremely low. & Men who aren't interested in sex must have a sexual dysfunction of a serious medical condition. Otherwise they'd be ready to go."! Let's be fair and look at the WHOLE picture. To date it has been far to easy for researchers to study the subject of low desire in women. As the author points out, many studies have been conducted on this topic and so few about low desire in men one has to wonder whether all these researchers are men! Yet researchers finally did identify HSDD (hypoactive sexual desire disorder or low desire), something MORE prevalent in men than in women. Low desire appears to be an equal opportunity employer when it comes to gender. Unfortunately to date also too many women have had a tendency to blame themselves for the existance of this problem. This is not true of most men who have low desire wives. This book offers a variety of explanations beside a physical erectile dysfunction for the lack of sexual desire in some men. As a social worker, I see this book as liberating to female clients who suffer from low self esteem not knowing what to think of the cause of their male partner's problem.

Some useful information but didn't change anything.

Really informative, comprehensive and understanding. Of course it hasn't got all the remedies to every situation. But it's really helpful. It can supplement other books on the subject, vr gr on the subject of men reluctant to look for help. Gives excellent advise to women who feel frustrated. It's very down to earth which may come as a disappointment if you are looking for any kind of magic.....

If you have any morals and like doing the right thing DO NOT READ THIS! I was hoping to find a good, clean and encouraging book. I wish more Christian authors wrote on this subject because this book was not done by anyone with morals or their heart in the right place! It was bad, just really bad!! It excuses cheating and encourages pre-martial sex. If you like living ungodly and doing things that are not right this will tell you how to do that!

Truer words have never been spoken about the silent suffering of millions of spouses across the planet, and especially in societies where the male ego is so tied up with his supposed virility. Men need to understand that it's okay to seek help when they need it and their wives need the freedom that comes with knowing that they're not alone and that it was never about them. But most importantly, both sexes need to know that there is a way to work things out and fix the problem. Hurray!Congratulations to Michele Weiner Davis!! Great work that will help many, many to come.

After a year of crying and constantly fighting I finally understand and have more compassion. I constantly thought I was the problem but this book gave me new understanding and ways to talk to the love of my life about "our" problem, because honestly it isn't just a problem for me or his problem. We are in it together and it was our problem!!! A new year began a new us!! A very happy loving sexual us! Thank you !!!!!

Dreadful.Like another reviewer I felt that this book placed most of the blame on ME. Although the author acknowledges that many of her recommendations will seem 'unfair' - she says that this is the sacrifice we will have to make if we want to have an intimate relationship with the only person who we are 'allowed' to have sex with.Worse still I had already tried a lot of these methods on my own - without success - obviously because they do not work.Be extra nice - yep, raises expectations but little else. Things may go a bit more smoothly elsewhere, but no sex.Do more around the house to relieve pressure and stress. I did more and more and more and more until I was worn out. No sex.Say nothing. No sex.The only thing that has worked has being persistent in saying that I wanted sex. Alas, that still resulted in so much rejection that I couldn't bear the hurt anymore.I've noted that no reviews of this book say that sex has returned to their marriage.I think this book will do far more harm than any good it does by raising awareness of the situation.UPDATE: I wrote this review many years ago. Since then the marriage has ended and I'm with a partner who is kind, loving and passionate. Maybe the lesson from this book was that I hit bottom enough to attempt this ridiculous, harmful advice in this book and it was a revelation. Bottom line: if you are in your youngish, healthy years and you have a partner who clearly demonstrates he/she doesn't care about your needs, get out. Because they sure won't care about your needs when you get older and need to rely on each other.

Interesting read but hasn't made much difference to our relationship.Guess when it's gone it's gone LOL!

Not much of a discovery...

Because reading this book made me feel like I being criticized & the cause for my husbands problem.A few lines stated in this book are:Respect his ideas about treatment.A) Why the hell should I? He thinks he (we?) hasn't got a problem & is perfectly happy despite me shedding many tears over the years trying to get him to go see the doctor for a small test. All he says is he "can't be bothered"Self pity & anger do not get you what you want.A) Only because the person I am aiming my anger at is an unresponsive D**k who acts like I am being unreasonable! I have backed off & tried being nice daily, complementing etc. News flash for the author, it gets you NOWHERE except making him heighten his expectations of you with no return! I have ignored my husbands lack of libido as stated in this book & surprise, surprise, he hasn't come near me in over 2 months. Why? Because he doesn't have to & its not mentioned.The list goes on & on...I have found this book sexist & an attempt at making women conform to the male ego.In this book, YOU do all the hard work, YOU suffer even more trying to get him to change & YOU are the one who is referred to as not being "understanding" of your husband & are to blame.How about my husband be more understanding of me & my feelings!?!Not much mention of that in this book.One thing that made me laugh was use "I" messages - I never stop using I messages, I am not unreasonable & I know he listens but does not care enough to act. I have wasted the past 2 years trying to make him happy & keep him happy. He doesn't care at all about that as long as I keep giving & he keeps receiving.If I so much as disagree with him, I can go to hell & "Know nothing about him".How about he pulls his finger out & actually tries to help HIS relationship with me?Forget it, no mention of that, you've got to tiptoe around your man & be "understanding" & "patient" & basically trick your husband into sex.Because that's what every woman out there wants to waste their life doing.Right now I am in the middle of tossing his clothes out of the window having phoned him & told him he's going to live elsewhere. If that doesn't get the picture across of how serious I am, nothing will. I am not about to play stupid mind games with a man that's older than me, just because he is a man with an "ego".For informative purposes I am with a guy who doesn't want to have sex, can't be bothered, can't get an erection because he is so in the "can't be bothered" mindset & acts like I am unreasonable & abnormal for wanting sex. His catchphrase is "Well go & get some then & leave me alone".I am a size 8 - 10, don't wear makeup, but wear perfume & am pretty. I get plenty of other men trying to date me, but just not him.He won't even buy me chocolates or flowers if I ask him to.Get rid!

I was very encouraged to learn what a widespread problem this was.The author goes into lots of detail when looking at causes and effects. She also gives lots of practical advice as to what the woman can do even if the husband is not willing to go to therapy or even discuss the problem with her.