The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship

I first read this book when it was titled  The Passion Paradox: Patterns of Love and Power in Intimate Relationships  and it was a revelation to me. What is so brilliant about this book is that instead of pathologizing the feelings of those who are 'one-down'/insecure/needy in their relationship, like many books do, it simply and clearly explains how easy it is for these kinds of feelings to happen given the logic of the situation. This is not about fault-finding or blaming anyone, it is about explaining how a normal person can become insecure and desperate in one relationship while being super confident and independent in another - and how this can switch round when there is a change. For example, if you are a high-flying high-paid lawyer and your man is insecure and clingy with you, the shoe could be on the other foot in a few years time when you leave your job and have kids and no job and meanwhile your man has got promotion and has become much more confident. The author gives a superb example of how a person who is having an affair can feel one-up (confident and secure and often slightly annoyed and irritated by the partner's insecurity and neediness) in his or her marriage... and one-down (the insecure, needy, cling stuff) with a person with whom he or she is having an affair -- simultaneously one-up and one-down. This highlights the fact that it is often the logic of the situation that gives rise to these feelings of insecurity -- it isn't necessarily that the insecure needy person is somehow inherently needy and insecure.Having explained this phenomenon very clearly, the meat of the book is about what you can do to correct these kinds of imbalances in your relationships. An absolutely brilliant book. I can't understand why anyone would give it a poor review or rating. It has helped me so much. I recommend it to everyone who has ever felt either insecure in a relationship OR repulsed, irritated, annoyed, impatient with a loved one's insecurity or neediness.

When it comes to relationship imbalance, you see Adult Attachment Theory everywhere so I thought Passion Trap would be some outdated model superceded by Attachment Theory. In reality it's a competing model that makes up for some of Attachment Theory's shortcomings. Both have a similar foundation - Avoidant vs Anxious in Attachment Theory is called One-up vs One-down in Passion Trap, Protest Behaviors in Attachment Theory are called Solutions in Passion Trap. But the biggest benefit the Passion Trap model has over Attachment Theory is the understanding that roles are dynamic. Attachment Theory tends to stick people in boxes and keep them there - IE if you're an Avoidant, you're supposed to be like that in every relationship. But with Passion Trap, someone can be a one-up with his spouse, and then be a one-down chasing an affair. In my opinion this is more how relationships actually work.In a practical sense, the book also works as a relationship assessment and troubleshooting guide and is more accessible than any Attachment Theory book I've read so far. It should be really easy to relate to either the one-up or one-down role based on past experiences, and Delis goes into a ton of detail on how either role copes/thinks and the possible results of protest behaviors. The book should resonate with you. And if you're in the one-up or one-down role, the books gives you steps on how to regain your strength while acknowledging not all imbalanced relationships are salvageable.

I think one of the most valuable things for me was how they kept being compassionate and understanding of the problems that emerge in relationships . Instead of putting blame in one or the other person, they focus on the patterns and interactions, and emphasize the importance of focusing the energy and intentions into recognizing and working with those dynamics, making more room for collaboration between the partners than when blaming people for their natural reactions to the patterns they've built.I believe you will get very useful tools and perspectives out of this book, and probably recognize done if those patterns in you own life, and gain new understandings.

I am on my third read of this book. This time I am beginning to really understand what he is saying. I can see this one up and one down seesaw play out in my relationships. This book is under rated as it has a very real answer to close relationships. I will read it again in a few months. Thanks for giving me a tool and a way to navigate my personal relationships.

In my library, I have about 400 books on psychology of relationships. I didn't expect this book to add much more to what I already had, or knew. Was I wrong!This book is the best analysis of the self-defeating dynamics that destroy love relationships -- and delivered in such an accessible, well-written mannner that one cannot put it down. I stayed up two nights in a row reading it until 4 a.m., and wished I didn't have to go to sleep at all.How I wish I came across this book a long time ago. As earlier reviewers stated, this should be required reading in high school (though this book is for all ages) -- it would save people so much heart-ache, depression, and divorces, if they understood ahead of time what undermines relationships between love partners.The book is at its best when it descibes power imbalances that occur between people; it gets a little weaker later on when the authour tries to categorize people by giving them labels (e,g, "Loner", "Punisher", etc.) Real life can be a little more complicated than that (i.e., some people combine many characteristics, and are too complex to fit in just one category). But that didn't diminish my total admiration for this book.I may get rid of some of my other books in the future to make room for new ones, but the Passion Trap will stay with me forever. I will be sharing it with my grandchildren if I have any...

Do yourself a favor and read what is arguably the best relationship book of all time I guarantee you this book will change your life.

This has got to be the best book on relationships I've read, and I've read a good many lately! It's not just about when one person loves more than the other, it's how happy balanced relationships can become unstuck simply through life changes e.g. job losses, work stress, new jobs, having babies, dependant relatives etc. It's also about how our childhood experiences can mould our emotional defence mechanisms (and turn us into independent, freedom and thrill seeking adults), or make us crave love and affection (and turn us into passionate, love lorn, submissive adults). The authors deal with how traditional sex role expectations for men and women feed into the paradox of emotions we all feel in relationships (men may be career driven and focused outside of their primary relationship whereas women tend to be more home orientated and focused on their relationship).To the publishers:- please, please can this book be re-printed? It is incredibly important people know about this stuff. Every page you turn gets you thinking about your current and your past relationships, those of your friends, that of your parents. It's a goldmine book.

Definitely wish I had read this book earlier! Saw myself and my patters in all of the previous relationships. I've been both - the one up and the one down. Having been single for ages now, I will definitely have another look at this book when I meet someone new - to avoid making the same mistakes over and over again.

This book is - by far - the best book I've read about psychology of relationships. Using real life examples and explanations, Dean C. Delis explains the dynamics in a relationship and how relationships go out of balance as well as what can be attempted to restore the balance or deal with it better.This is one of those books that kids in high school should already read and save themselves years of heartbreak and confusion. I'll certainly be giving this book to my kids one day.

enjoyed this book, it is a must read for anyone who has ever felt insecure or bored in a relationship.

Beetje met negatieve instelling geschreven: wat gaat er in een relatie fout. Dat moet je aanpakken. Hoe zal wel in deel twee staan. Psychologie gaat vooral over jezelf terwijl relaties juist over de verhoudingen tussen ik en de ander is. Boek strangers to our selves maakt dit niet makkelijker.